In Perspective...

I went to bed last night a little troubled and feeling a little guilty and not liking it.. Blog reading can do that to you.  It makes you think and sometimes makes you feel uncomfortable. And I welcome that   But I have to say my piece.  There is always much discussion on the subject of orphans.  I have admitted before that we first went into adoption as a way of extending our family...We were pretty clueless as to the plight of orphans in our world.  We also agreed to adopt through the Special Needs program.. to give a better chance to a child that might need medical care, therapy etc.  My faith and my relationship to God has changed and gotten stronger and I know God has asked in the bible for us to take care of the orphans.  And if every Christian did, take care and raise one orphan, there would be no more.  I get that.  AND I am not closed to the idea of adopting again.. I think about it all the time.  And truthfully I would take many ...if I could.  The problem lies with the "if I could part".   Why couldn't I take in 5 orphans or 10.  Of course one might think money.  Well it is a consideration. I mean we really didn't have the money to adopt Sierra,,,but she is here.  And I know we could probablydo it agian.  So why is it bothering me that I feel like I am  feeling guilty because I am not going back every year to get another child.  SO I thought about it all day and I think I have found some answers.  I take adopting a Special Needs child very seriously...as all of us do. I know we are being entrusted with these childrens lives and their health.  And I  would have have to make sure they get what they need.It may entail numerous doctors appointments, therapies,counseling,meetings with teachers, the list goes on and on.  I would have to become an expert on each and every one of their needs and know what to expect so I can best be in the position to help them.  Because I want to be their best advocate.  That's who I am.  I have to make sure that I have insurance to pay for whatever they need because our income is limited and there is an end to it. I would have to be sure that they are always in a safe environment and that I can keep an eye on them and keep them from getting into things that are dangerous. I would have to be available to be with them if they needed surgery. Or staying up with them if they can not sleep and giving them my time, individually , as they so deserve. And then I realized after giving it much thought , that there IS a limit to what I can do. And my threshold is entirely different than someone elses.  And some can minister to many orphans and do it right. And they should and no one should question them!!!  Its not about giving up, or taking the easy way, or being selfish...its about knowing when the good I am trying to do is not good anymore and could be harmful...  even unintentionally.  So as I ask you not to judge someone harshly who is gong back for child number 5 or 6 or 7, also do not judge those of us who don't.  I know how much this process has changed me and the way I think about and do things.  I know I will never be the same and I hope I live my life more simply and have more joy in the things that are right in front of me.  And I will never stop trying to get the word out about all the kids who need Moms and Dads and a bed to sleep in and arms to wrap around them at night.And I hope I make a difference...